Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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