A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
