Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
