I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
