Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize