Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
