So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
