It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hippo gnu deer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
