i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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