I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
