I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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