You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
