Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
