I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
