the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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