I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
