Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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