She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
