How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize