I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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