Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize