the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
