I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
