I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
