tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
being pregnant is like rehab
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
