I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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