I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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