david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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