Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
