I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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