Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
