hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize