In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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