I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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