i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
