giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
