so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You ruined the universe
Randomize