I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
