I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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