She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
