I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
