When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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