your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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