You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize