so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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