Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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