We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
