now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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