so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
