Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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