I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
