The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
