Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
