I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
