In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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